-Usual posts will resume on Sunday-
So it's Tuesday night and I can't sleep, normally when I can't sleep it's because there's too much going on in my head, so I write it down. Ordinarily writing it in a blog post is the last thing I'd want to do but these are thoughts I want to be heard. My blog is an honest place, I don't want to save it for happy things, it's for me and for friends and for trust and acceptance and this is part of my life so.
I've had a constant feeling of melancholy for the past week and a bit, partly due to listening to too much Lana Del Rey, and I've been trying to figure out what I'm sad about. I keep picking and choosing pretty much anything and convincing myself that whatever must be making me sad and that I don't want to do things. I think since moving back from uni I've been eating worse and exercising less (by exercise I mean going out and dancing) I haven't really seen any of my friends and I've started a new job and I'm definitely overwhelmed and lacking in all the happy hormones I think.
7 years ago (22/07/2009) my baby sister Florence was born and died. I've written briefly about this on my blog before and I'm sorry if it upsets you but quite frankly I wish I could stop feeling bad for telling people incase it upsets them because it's an upset I have to deal with every second of every day and I don't want pity for that I just really want to be understood. I think actually that's why I'm sad, because since summer 2009, every summer has been sad, obviously there have been happy moments but I suppose it's habit of a sort.
It's difficult to think about properly, right now, Florence should be asleep, dreaming of the summer holidays and her 7th birthday but she isn't. She never got the chance to do anything and it isn't fair. And as much as I try to imagine how her life could have been despite how painful that is, I don't even know what she would have looked like, newborn babies never seem to look like the person they become and that's the only face I have for her.
I remember far too clearly my sister saying it was the worst day and I disagreed and said it can't be the worst day because she was born. I was wrong, it was the worst day, but the pocket of happiness we all experienced when she had just been born was euphoric and the amount of pain I felt for the rest of that day and the pain I still feel does always -though sometimes delayed- come with a reminder of that very brief but overwhelmingly happy moment and I honestly don't know what I'd do without that reminder.
I'll always be sad about Florence and I think that's something I need to be more accepting of, I don't need to transfer those feelings onto other aspects of my life. I'd like to point out neither do I or should I compare degrees of sadness, all sadness is justified, regardless of circumstance, I'm allowed to be sad about Florence but I'm also allowed to be sad about breaking a favourite mug or dropping my toast butter side down on the floor.
What I'm trying to say is that being sad is allowed and okay and that you can be sad about anything and that is also okay.
I would also like to point out that every year we do celebrate her birthday, I can't say it's the happiest of occasions but it's nice and I'm glad we do. If you're curious at all or have questions please don't hold back on asking, it's not the easiest thing to talk about but I'd rather her be spoken about than not, I'll answer any comments and if you don't want to comment but do have something to say feel free to email me.
IWx